True Story #3

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

HACKY COMEDIAN is on stage - young, male, energetic.

HACKY COMEDIAN

Hey, what would happen if you had sex with a Transformer? Huh?

(mimes sex)

Hey, I think you’re a little low on oil? Am I right? Yeah.

Crowd laughs.

HACKY COMEDIAN (CONT’D)

But what if it transformed while you were having sex with it? Ouch, am I right? Maybe it would go like this.

He thrusts out his crotch and starts screaming.

Crowd laughs.

PAN TO:

The corner. The comedian’s ASSISTANT is recording his performance.

The comedian continues to whoop it up. The crowd continues to laugh.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The crowd’s laughter now comes from the television.

The comedian and the assistant watch his performance. Serious faces on both of them.

ASSISTANT

     I think it’s great. It’s definitely your best bit.

HACKY COMEDIAN

     It’s not real.

ASSISTANT

     What’s not real?

HACKY COMEDIAN

     Me. I’m not buying it.

ASSISTANT

     But they’re laughing.

HACKY COMEDIAN

(snapping)

     It’s not real!

A beat.

CUT TO:

GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

The comedian places his penis between the jaws of a bench vise.

The assistant grabs the handle, looks at the comedian.

The comedian nods.

The assistant hesitates.

HACKY COMEDIAN

     Do it!

The assistant twists the handle.

The comedian screams.

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

The comedian is back on stage.

HACKY COMEDIAN

What about having sex with a Transformer? What would that be like, huh?

(mimes sex)

     Hey, I think your oil’s a little low!

Crowd laughs.

HACKY COMEDIAN (CONT’D)

But what if it transforms while you’re having sex with it? Ouch, am I right? Optimus, no--

He screams. It's real and bloodcurdling.

The crowd erupts with laughter.

The comedian paces, soaking it in.

HACKY COMEDIAN (CONT’D)

(to himself)

     There it is. There it is.

He pauses, waits for the laughter to die down.

HACKY COMEDIAN (CONT’D)

And then what happens if the Transformer has sex with you? Whoa! Not on the first date!

He jerks his hips forward, waits for the laugh.

Nothing. Dry coughs.

Sweat appears on the comedian's forehead.

CUT TO:

The corner. The assistant is recording the performance.

HACKY COMEDIAN (CONT’D)

(moving on)

Hey, don’t you just hate other drivers. It’s like, where’s my jet pack?

A single tear spills down the assistant’s face.

CUT TO:

BLACK.