INT. COLLEGE LIBRARY - DAY
A young student, JACOB, reads an old
book in the most romantic section of the library.
EMILY (V.O.)
We
may be separated by great oceans, mountains, universes of souls, but you are
me, and I you, one and the same, now and forever.
Jacob turns to the title page. It’s
an 1850s edition of Lilies and Lace by Emily Washington. Her wood block
portrait stares back at him.
JACOB (V.O.)
She’s haunted me all my
life.
CUT TO:
INT. LABORATORY - DAY
Jacob and his friend, BILL, wear lab
coats and examine smoking beakers.
JACOB
I
just know it was meant to be. There must be some way can meet.
BILL
But she’s been dead for
150 years.
INSERT:
Her gravestone, neglected but
readable. EMILY WASHINGTON, 1839-1859, OUR BELOVED.
BILL (V.O.)
(CONT’D)
You’d need some kind of
time machine.
CLOSE ON:
Jacob, his eyes gleaming.
CUT TO:
BLACK VOID
Jacob in darkness, his arms
outstretched, shouting as electricity flashes and sparks all around.
CUT TO:
BLACK
HOST (V.O.)
May I present to you Miss
Emily Washington.
CUT TO:
INT. 1850S DINNER - NIGHT
EMILY WASHINGTON, the spitting image
of the portrait, turns to greet Jacob, now dressed in period clothing.
JACOB
I’m a great enthusiast of
your work.
She offers her hand. He takes it.
Sparks fly.
She smiles. She has crooked and
yellow teeth.
SFX: Record needle scratch.
EXT. GARDEN - DAY
Jacob and Bill walk through a path,
Jacob head down and depressed.
JACOB
I can’t believe I built
that time machine for nothing.
BILL
You’re
just not thinking big enough. Check it, bro. I’m gonna show you how to get laid
1850s style!
CUT TO:
INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT
A GAGGLE OF 1850s KNOCKOUTS, dressed
in their finest, chatter in the middle of the ballroom.
Jacob and Bill enter carting a keg
and a tray of Jello shots.
BILL
Let’s get this party
started!
SFX: “This Is How We Do It”
MONTAGE
As Jacob and Bill hand out red
plastic cups of beer, Jello shots. The ladies are briefly confused, then
immediately enthusiastic.
All drink, dance, party party party.
Bill jams on a harpsichord.
Jacob shows off a bottle of
penicillin.
He makes out with one of the ladies.
Emily walks in, sees them, pouts.
Another lady announces:
LADY
Dessert is served!
A SLAVE pushes in a dessert cart.
Jacob and Bill see the slave.
ZOOM IN:
On the slave.
SFX: Record needle scratch.
BILL
Dude, what year was
slavery abolished?
JACOB
I don’t know.
CUT TO:
INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY
Jacob lectures the SUPREME COURT.
Behind him, Bill and Emily sit at a table. The courtroom is packed.
JACOB
This
is the issue that has long perplexed our nation. Our central paradox. But we
cannot live long with this conflict. For it will--
BILL
Just show them the
textbook.
Jacob hands the Supreme Court a copy
of History of America, 1400 to Present.
He puts it on their table, flips
through the pages.
JACOB
Uhh...
Here we are. Civil War. Check that out. And what’s after.
The judges look at the book.
SFX: Gavel slamming down.
JUDGE
Slavery is hereby
abolished!
The courtroom cheers.
Bill gives Jacob a thumbs up.
Jacob and Emily smile at each other.
Sparks fly again.
Then she grins and shows her teeth.
They’re still yellow and crooked.
SFX: Record needle scratch.
JACOB
Oh, right.
CUT TO:
EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE - DAY
It’s raining. Jacob runs through the
storm.
SFX: “Solsbury Hill”
BILL (V.O.)
Dude, sometimes you just
have to follow your heart.
Jacob races up to Emily’s window.
It’s on the second story. He can see her through the window.
JACOB
Emily!
She looks out, sees him.
BILL (V.O.)
And sometimes your heart
has to follow you.
He climbs up the ivy-covered wall.
She opens her window. He reaches her and they kiss.
Behind her, the door opens. HENRY
walks in.
HENRY
But Emily! I am your
fiancee!
SFX: Record needle scratch.
EXT. BRIDGE - DAY
Jacob and Emily are running away from
Henry, who is leading a PACK OF RUFFIANS toward them.
HENRY
After them!
Jacob and Emily reach the bridge,
look down into the water.
JACOB
We’ll jump!
EMILY
But Jacob... I’m
pregnant!
SFX: Record needle scratch.
INT. NURSERY - DAY
Jacob, Emily, and Bill stand around
the cradle.
JACOB
He’s so cute.
EMILY
But he has... the devil’s
eyes!
SFX: Record needle scratch.
The door opens. The wild-eyed DOC
SMITH enters and grabs Jacob’s arm.
DOC SMITH
Your
son is evil! To save him, we must go back... to the future!
SFX: Record needle scratch.
INT. TIME TUNNEL - IRRELEVANT
Hand in hand, Emily, Jacob, Bill, and
Doc Smith fly through the time tunnel.
VOICEOVER
GUY (V.O.)
This
holiday season. Paravision Studios will give you everything you could want in a
movie. Everything.
EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND - DAY
The foursome stand in the rubble of a
city.
DOC SMITH
We’ve
gone too far! Your son has already taken over and destroyed the earth!
JACOB
Are you saying I have
to... kill my own child?
SFX: Record needle scratch.
BILL
Dude, bummer.
EMILY
How can I deal with this?
She looks down in the rubble and sees
a corpse holding a vial of cocaine.
SFX: Record needle scratch.
EMILY
(CONT’D)
Oh, hello.
She opens the vial, snorts it.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Emily does a line of coke along the
kitchen counter. Jacob bursts in.
JACOB
You’re ruining this
family!
EMILY
(re:
cocaine)
This is my family now!
Bill bursts in.
BILL
This
post-apocalyptic radiation has given me superpowers!
He flies into the air.
CUT TO:
MONTAGE
Of random images from the previous
scenes and whatever else
we can film and throw in there.
VOICEOVER
GUY (V.O.)
You’ll
laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll thrill. Then you’ll laugh again. Then there will be
some more crying and thrilling. All of the emotions! All of the senses! Will be
given the ride of their lives! When you see... For the Love of Party and Steel
and Love and Drugs and Science and Also Drama and There’s a Superman Guy in
Here Too. Coming soon to a theater near you!
CUT TO:
EXT. THEATER - DAY
The marquee has that title on it. A
MAN and WOMAN walk out of the theater.
WOMAN
What did you think?
MAN
(shrugging)
It was alright.
WOMAN
Yeah.
END.
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